Last night was rough. Real rough as a matter of fact. It’s hard to me to comprehend that two of the people that were closest to me turn out to be the ones causing the biggest drama between me and the person that I love.
So much drama that the person I love began to question our relationship.
Mt tumblr is notorious for rants and ventings, because I’ve found that saying most things that are on my mind don’t make thing better.
If you found out that members of your family were playing with your relationship like a cat with a ball of yarn I’m sure you would be upset too.
After having spending over 5 years with someone that I was sure to end up living with, and after hearing the words “I’ll always love you” “I can’t wait to live together” I want to have a family with you” id never hurt you” “I’d never cheat on you” and then losing the person you loved by hurting you, cheating on you… You lose a lot of your capacity to love.
I’ve attempted suicide 5 times. I would drink heavily every night that I could. And every night I couldn’t, a cigarette would help because I knew I was at least killing myself slowly.
And when I found Maria I started to work on these things. And I have become much happier.
But the days still don’t go by without the thought of suicide. The only thing that holds me back is family. Because I know I couldn’t do that to my family.
But I am much happier. I’m still trying to learn to love at a capacity in which I could years ago, but I’m still happy, and I do try really hard to make her happy.
So maybe Nate and Katherine can understand that when I lashed out like that, that it’s because I felt as it my entire foundation that has been being built was being destroyed because of the things they got into Maria’s head.
And that because of what you said, you potentially put our relationship at a temporary risk. Which at that point last night, felt much more than temporary.
I’ve messed up before. And I’ve done things that have come back to bite me in the ass. But I try to swallow my pride and at least try to accept that which I deserve.
I write out my frustrations on tumblr here because I don’t want to discuss them in reality. I don’t post it on Facebook because that intentionally starts drama. I do it to vent. It’s like talking to a cat. I don’t know if it can understand me or not, but it helps. And it just helps to vent on a keyboard knowing that it won’t cause anyone pain.
But every time I seem to vent it becomes a subject of argument within 24 hours.
So to Katherine. I posted what I said to vent. Not to start arguments. I said it, spent the night replaying things, and felt better. I woke up this morning. And find you and Nate publicly lashing out at me. I know that I don’t have as many things to stress me out. But it’s the weight of the things that stress you out that matters. And the lie that was told to Maria was a real heavy one. And hopefully you can understand that my lashing out was all but human.
But I at least contained myself, and posted it somewhere private to me. Knowing that it wouldn’t harm anyone and would make me feel better to let put my frustration.
But now it’s been taken publicly and Christmas time is going to be a real high-strung one.
Nate and Katherine can go rot in hell for all I care right now.
I had the pleasure of getting into a long ass argument with Maria tonight because she became all concerned about our relationship thanks to those two.
When I was in Florida, our family dog passed away. And when I found out and our meeting was over, I decided to call Maria to let her know about what happened. And I didn’t plan on calling Maria at all that week in Florida because I thought seeing her when I got back would be all the better (and it was). But I called her and I got her voicemail so I just left her a message telling her about what happened.
And then Nate an Katherine decided to tell Maria that I PURPOSEFULLY called her at the time that I did so I would GET her voicemail and wouldn’t have to talk to her.
So she started the get this feeling that I didn’t love her as much as she loved me. And so today I got to get into an argument with her about a whole bunch of shit and talk about my past and get everyone emotional and leave pools of tears on my floor.
Why the FUCK would I purposefully try and call Maria while she was at work? I didn’t decide when London would die. I called her as soon as I found out to let her know. I didn’t even know she was at work.
You two are dramatic piles of shit you know that? I’m sick of hearing about nates constant bitching and I’m sick of hearing about all this shit that Katherine tells Maria.
You guys want to live together with us? Yeah well I don’t know how the fuck that’s gonna work out. Someone’s gonna hang themselves.
So Nate & I made this song a long time ago and finally recorded it, but he really wants lyrics in it.
I’m really new to GarageBand and so there are lots of things I don’t know about.
But I decided to just throw some lyrics into it and see how I could make them sound better because I use the Blue Snowball and it works great for guitar but not so well on vocals for some reason.
I came across this distorted effect and it kind of reminds me of Iron & Wine’s new album stuff for some reason.
These lyrics obviously won’t be in the song because I’m sure Nate’s got a full set of them already but I can’t decide if we should have the vocals edited like this. Or if he is gonna sing or not. Cause I don’t like to sing.
“I want to be around people that do things. I don’t want to be around people anymore that judge or talk about what people do. I want to be around people that dream and support and do things.”—Amy Poehler (via rosslikethestore)
My brother and I made this today and my god do I love it. Making music has always been enjoyable to me, but recording it is a whole new level of fun. I’d love to get an album of 8-12 songs on it. Then make a CD and give it to some friends and family.
I’m curious to see what you guys all think about it :3 I know it’s not the best quality but remember, I don’t know jack about recording.