Time: 7:38 A.M.
Date: Monday, July 30th 2012 (Morning)
Thoughts: I went down at about 1:30. And I had a dream.
I was walking down by the rose garden with Maria. I was down there with her because my mind was getting the best of me and I needed to escape my house and just be with her. We were walking by the ledge and she ended up telling me that she had been smoking weed behind my back since the beginning of July. My heart sank at that point because she told me that she would never smoke. Even if her friends started to, because she couldn’t do that to me, or her niece. She didn’t want to go through what her sister did.
But yeah, she told me she had been doing it behind my back for a month and I just felt like all hope in humanity was lost at that point, annnnd I jumped. Well, I tried to jump off the ledge down onto the pavement. She restrained me along with an officer that was walking nearby. When they restrained me another officer came and started asking us a whole bunch of questions and I stayed silent. Finally they asked why we were fighting, and we both stayed silent. I just got up off the ground and left.
The next day turned out to be the first day of school. Maria ended up finding me at my locker on the first floor. She grabbed my arm and told me everything was alright and that she was going to stop. That she would never do it again. But I didn’t care. I just didn’t want to live another life with lies. She never let go of my hand though, she pulled me around the corner to walk. And then she saw her friends Holly and Olivia. She started to talk to them quietly and I heard Olivia say, “Do you still have your bag?” and I heard Maria say “of course I do.” and at that point I pulled my hand off of hers and just nodded my head back and fourth as I walked away and just remember saying, “I can’t do this, I can’t.” I kept walking and all I could her was her voice telling me that all I ever was was a fake and that smoking pot did more for her than I ever could have done.
I ended up decapitating myself in my driveway, and at that point I woke up in an absolute panic. I haven’t had a dream that bad in such a long time… As soon as I woke up the voice in my head told me that it’s true. That she will keep the things that would hurt me the most away from me. She will end up smoking pot like everyone else and eventually end up like how my older brother was, and won’t care about me or her family. She will just fade away.
I would rather die than watch her destroy herself.